Hey! It’s us, your local music media! How’s it going? Probably not as good as us, I’ll bet. I mean, I don’t know if you have heard but we’re having the BEST time covering all of this Super Bowl hullabaloo! We’ve got access to all the exclusive events, we’re hobnobbing with celebrities, we’re basically having the time of our lives. Can you believe we get paid for this? Me either!
Don’t feel too bad if you feel like you are missing out (you are). We plan on telling you about what great experiences we’re having so many times that you will practically feel like you were there too! Well, “practically” in a sense that you know every excruciating detail without the benefit of the actual experience (actual experiences reserved for us and our rarified cadre of friends/colleagues).
Like for instance did you know that we met Prince’s actual ghost at a VIP-only Paisley Park party the other night? He descended down from heaven (turns out Jehovas Witnesses were on to something) and played an intimate show just for us, Justin Timberlake, and Dick Enrico. Do I need to tell you how magical that was? Well you can plan on reading about it in our “Top Ten Minnesota Music Memories” lists for year to come. I mean, what’s in your list, seeing some local band in some shitty club? Not even sure why you try?
How about the story of how after the after-after party us, Questlove, Pink, and LA Nik drove to Tim Hortons, bought all their Tim Bits, and then had a Tim Bit fight in the parking lot? We were a little loopy from dabbling in some fentanyl that Flo from Progressive shared with us (totally cool btw) and then simultaneously, like we were on the same exact wavelength, we were all like “donuts, now!” LOL, it was amazing. If you missed that from our live blogging, social media, or print copy, don’t worry – we’re talking to the First Avenue about basically giving the story its own permanent star!
Don’t even get me started on how now us, Morris Day, and Cardi B all have matching tattoos of duckbill platypuses. Long story (that I will tell you). We were hanging out at a VIP-only event and we discovered that we all shared a mutual love for the aquatic mammals. The bond was so strong that we went straight out and made it permanent! Can you even imagine that? We had to murder the tattoo artist afterwards because she wanted to post a selfie on facebook, and that wasn’t part of the narrative we were shaping but, you know, sometime crazy shit happens when the Super Bowl is in town!
Anyhoo, gotta run because the big game is on today and we’re catching it all from an ultra-exclusive location that we can’t even tell you about yet (but will repeatedly later, for years to come). Prince’s hologram asked us to pick up a dozen inflatable boats and a shovel (sounds like the beginning of an amazing Prince story, amirite?). Keep tuning in for all the essential coverage of how great of a time we’re having during all of this! And don’t forget, click, donate, purchase – all that stuff that keeps us funded! Because without you we don’t get to do cool stuff like this that you can only dream about.
— The Reviler staff