Above: Gunderson performing last summer at Music and Movies and Public Executions in the Park

Local Legend Sentenced to Banishment Beyond The Wall

Citizens of the Local Music Scene awoke Monday to hear disturbing news: longtime Local Legend musician Terry Gunderson has been found guilty of thoughtcrime.  According to the authorities, the “kinda folky, kinda rock” musician was caught pondering thoughts that are so gratuitous we can’t even list them here due to propriety.  We can only inform you that Gunderson’s thoughts involved the absurd notion of “life” beyond the Wall, which we know is a complete load of dangerous nonsense.  As I am sure you good citizens are well aware, nothing but barren toxic wasteland exists outside the Wall of Protection offered by our gracious and loving overlords, Le Currant (may they rein for ten eternities).

Neverless, the former Local Legend Gunderson (who is a frequent presence on both Le Currant programming as well as Citizen Public Radio) seems to have flaunted the protection offered by his munificent benefactors.   And as you know, citizens, there is only one punishment for such crimes: Banishment outside the Wall!

As of tomorrow, Gunderson and his acoustic guitar will be escorted to the Great Gate at the furthermost edge of the Wall (located just south of Burnsville) where he will be banished forever to the Outer Region.  Out there even his local legend status won’t be able to protect him from the ravages of the Wasteland and the mongrel mixamatoid dogs that lurk there.

Above: The Wall as seen from 35W South

According to Le Currant spokesman Director Jaundice, Gunderson will be “embarking on a regional tour of the Midwest.” We know that what this truly means is “death beyond the Wall.”  Le Currant (may they rein for ten eternities) is kind to shelter their beloved citizenry from ugly truths.  We have children after all, whose greatest hope is to glorify Le Currant by one day achieving local folk/rock legend status of their own.  We adults, however, know the truth.  Beyond the protection of the Wall there is simply no hope for life. Outside Le Currant’s sphere of benevolence, there exists no cushy Rock the Housing Block opening slots, no well-paid theater appearances to speak about “craft.” And of course beyond the Wall there is no loving music citizenry who is eager to gobble up the Chosen’s every artistic endeavor (as is enforced by edict 117).

As you know fellow citizens, a Local Legend cannot survive without these basic necessities.  Gunderson’s banishment certainly means an agonizing death of poor album sales, lack of concert promotion, and few, if any, cultural op-eds.

Citizens, do not despair! While you may have once believed that you enjoyed the music of the traitor Terry Gunderson, doubtlessly you will soon realize that you were terribly mistaken.  Hearten yourselves with thoughts of our gracious and benign masters as well as this silver lining: as of press time Le Currant (may they rein for ten eternities) has proclaimed “Local Legend” status to be conferred on local folk/rock wunderkind Jeff Anderson!

Above: The most glorious La Currant tribunal in session

Anderson will be appearing at the Varsity Theater this evening in a performance where he will engage in the rites of his sacred office, including some jam sessions with other Local Legends as well as a few Scandinavian jokes for the audience.  Afterwards Anderson will be christened with a newborn calf’s blood, given a local holiday in his honor, and will thereafter be known only by his esteemed title “Local Legend Jeff Anderson.” Tickets to Anderson’s performance sold out prior to the show’s announcement (as enforced by edict 823).

When reached for comment all the vile Gunderson seemed to be able to say was: “WHY? WHY MUST I FORCED TO GO BEYOND THE WALL!!??” which he screamed repeatedly as he was taken from the high court in chains.  The Most Revered Head of Le Currant, His Excellency Chairman Gaunt, seemed more upbeat in his own assessment of the situation:  “Theeere Issssssss Noooothing beyooond the Waaaallll,” Gaunt reassured the citizenry in his comforting tone. “Oooonly DEAAATHHHHH. Deeathhh and Desssspaaaaair.”

Citizens, I urge you to banish the corrupt Gunderson from your thoughts and give a hearty, citizens welcome to Jeff Anderson! Surely you are all already dying to hear his rootsy, whimsical take on the folk/rock aesthetic (as enforced by edict 97). You don’t want to be found guilty of thoughtcrime, after all! Praise be to Jeff Anderson! Praise be to the Wall! But most of all praise be to our most high protectors, the magnanimous, all-seeing, all-knowing, Le Currant (may they rein for ten eternities).

Jon Behm